When I wake up in the morning, I am usually very groggy. "Please,no,not yet." I beg with futility. It's a fight I know I cannot win.
Within in seconds, negative thoughts flood my mind with no intention on my part. Sad things, upsetting things,bad things,wrongs and injustices. Shortly thereafter,I make my first conscious decision of the day:to pray. I want my first free will choice of the day to speak to my Heavenly daddy. I love Him and want to tell Him so. I want To thank Him for His blessings, ask Him to forgive my shortcomings, ask Him to watch over and protect my children and friends. I ask for help to get through the day and I ask that I do His will-not mine. This is so important to me. It's the least I can do after what He's done for me.
Then I briefly obsess about what the will is. I constantly pray for truth. Not even necessarily for truth that will "look good" to others. At this point, I'm beyond that. What is the truth? What is my purpose?
The past few years, I've pondered many thoughts and theories. I keep looking,but I always come back to love. Period. I can't go beyond this. I try to go back to my old self of thinking that doing something "wonderful" or being successful or having things is the key. But I can't. Those things are lies. At least for me. Maybe not to others. I do not know. I just know that I love God. I love people and I have immense love for a particular individual. I know it is from God Himself that it was placed in my heart. I can't run and hide. I tried. It's the truth and it will be. Amen, in other words. He is "I Am" and the truth He gave me is "What Is".
Love and my truth aren't necessarily compatible with this world. I know that now. I also know that I am not part of "this world" and it goes way beyond this temporary earth dwelling. Love cannot and will not die. When someone leaves this earth, the love doesn't die. It's forever. Maybe even enhanced. I know when a particular someone passed on, I died. I'm still alive in my current form, but I died and then the process of being born again unto who I really am commenced. It's almost like his death saved my life. My soul. Resuscitated me back to who I was before this world and people and circumstances got to me. Is it egocentric of me to think he was used to bring me back? Maybe not. God knows I was in a horrible messy fog. I now realize it was mostly self-inflicted due to disobedience. I had completely lost sight of who I was supposed to be. I must have ignored all the hints. He had to do one dynamic blow to get my attention. There were many blows before. I was in pain and had lost so much. Even all of those didn't wake me up. He knows the source of what my soul is on a level beyond human comprehension. Something lurking within me that I may have known on some level,but failed to accept. Hiding by denying and trying to fill with "life". It only worked for a little while. He had to take away the one that would make me understand. And, I believe, vice versa.
See, I believe when we pray that His will be done on Heaven as on Earth, it means just that. Both. I think it continues. I think it's simultaneous. I think we can help each other on both sides and I pray that I am doing my part. The specifics are no one Else's business. It really only pertains to me and wouldn't be understood by anyone else. It's made me far more willing to accept that although I may not understand someone and what they do, it is not mine to understand !
I'm saying all of this to say.....hmmm. I don't really know. It was just put on my heart to do so. Maybe one day these words will help someone. Or maybe just typing it out will only help me. Either way, I helped a child of God. I love Him.
And I love "him" too....
